Suicidal Dreams of Love

The world fades away to nothing as he drifts into the arms of sleep. The tears that have soaked his pillow slowly begin to dry beneath his hair, though tears still trickle down his cheeks as he sleeps, each and every one holding a memory of the days gone by. His faith in love, like his heart, hangs by a thread. The events that led to this moment begin to come back to him in the form of dreams…

A male voice, filled with emotion: “…but I love you, I’ve always loved you…”
A woman, sad yet resolute: “…I can’t. I want to, but I…I just can’t…”

Time drifts further into the past. He stands with the woman before a door. A dim porch light is lit above them…

The man’s voice: “…have to do this again sometime. Today was great…”
The woman, her voice cheery: “…we will, it was fun…”

Further back. He’s kneeling next to her as she sits at a computer. The room is filled with computers. People sit at different terminals scattered throughout the room…

The man: “…want to do something this weekend? We have that extra day and all…”
The woman: “…would love to, really…”

Time flashes foreward again, finally finding a place to become steady. It’s early morning, the sun has just risen and the sky is filled with color.

He drives towards the sun, his large sunglasses resting upon the bridge of his nose. The radio plays songs sung by Billy Joel and all the while he sings along. A white notebook sits next to him, as well as a bag of groceries. The rest of the car is empty save for the suit hung in the trunk.

He pulls into a gas-station, knowing that he is far to early. He walks in, buys coffee, then sits in his car drinking until it is finished. He starts the car back up and drives the rest of the way to her house.

He finds it without much difficulty and pulls into a space in her back yard. He grabs the notebook and hangs the sunglasses back on the car’s visor. He walks down the uneven path to her backdoor. By the time he reaches it she has come outside. She wears a baggy pair of jeans and a stripped polo shirt. She’s beautiful in the early morning light. He smiles at her and she smiles in return. He wears jeans with a tight black t-shirt and a gray sweater.

She leads him into the house after saying hello and sets his coat on the table. She takes the bag of groceries and puts the entire thing in the refrigerator. She leads him into the den and begins to show him all of her artwork, then looks through the white notebook that he had handed her. It contains many of his sketches and she comments on how nice many of them are.

After showing him around the house she suggests that they go out for the Halloween decorations. He agrees and they go out to her car. She drives, stopping to introduce him to her horse on their way.

They finish the shopping and head back to her house. They make a quick lunch and settle in to watch a movie. They sit apart from each other, and when the movie ends she puts on some soft music and they sit and talk.

The images fade in his mind and he turns over in bed, his heart fluttering at moments but beating steadily for the most part. He moans as the images begin to flash through his mind again…

He stands in her bathroom and finishes adjusting his suit, then stops to listen as he hears her moving about in the next room. He smiles softly and thinks about how perfect everything could be between them…

…the restaurant is crowded but quiet. They sit across from each other and talk as they eat. She smiles at him and he returns the smile, then reaches across the table and takes her hand…

…again he is standing in the den, though now it is dark, the only light coming from the windows and from the stairwell. She had run upstairs to get a sweater. He takes off his suit coat and lays it across one of the chairs that sits in the room. He walks to across to one of the windows and watches as the cars pass by.

He hears footsteps coming down the stairs and turns to watch her as she comes into the den. She looks around, not sure where he is. He wears all black and blends into the night. He walks to her and she smiles. They embrace each other and stay in each other’s arms, standing in the middle of the den for quite some time. She pulls back and looks up at him. They both smile just before sharing their first kiss.

He caresses her back with his fingers, her tongue caresses his. The colors in the world double in vibrancy for him as they kiss, and he knows that he is falling in love. His heart aches with the weight of the knowledge, but he also knows that it would mean certain failure if he muttered those three fatal words.

She lights candles and they sit together in the dim light thrown by the candle’s flames. She curls up in his arms and lays her head on his shoulder. He smiles and holds her close. They sit together, wrapped in the darkness and the comfortable silence that they created, until the time comes to go to the night’s movie.

The images become fluid again and drift into one another…

The movie plays on the screen. They sit side by side, her hand in his. He caresses the back of her hand with his thumb and tries to make sense of all that he is feeling…

They sit silently in the car on the way to her house again. He glances over at her, her face silhouetted against the lights cast from the passing cars. He realizes just how beautiful she is and how much she means to him…

They stand outside her backdoor. She wraps her arms around him and he returns the gesture. She looks up and kisses him, not knowing that it would be…

He bolts up in bed, covered in sweat. His heart has begun to beat fast, too fast. He tries to calm himself. The images of the dream seem to been burned into his vision. All he can see is her standing beneath her porch-light as he walks back to his car.

He lays back down and tries to fall asleep, only to realize that he can’t. His mind takes over and continues to play out the memories…

It’s early morning again, though two days have passes since the day they had spent together. They haven’t spoken at all in those two days, and he nervously awaits finding her. He searches through the halls of the building, trying to find her. He makes his way from top to bottom, not finding her anywhere. Finally he reaches the last hall…

His heart begins to slow back down again. His breathing steadies and the memory continues.

…she’s waiting for him at the end of the hall. He walks down to her and smiles as she turns to him. She hugs him quickly…

The words of this part of the memory echo through his mind…

…“I wanted to know if you think that we could make a relationship work between us,” he asks. His heart feels as though it’s caught in his throat.

“I don’t think it would work,” she says softly, trying not to hurt him. She smiles at him, her eyes uncertain, and she walks past him. She turns back and smiles, “Thank you for asking though…”

His heart continues to slow down, now beating too slowly. His feet begin to tingle, then his fingers, then his legs followed by his forearms. Soon his entire body is tingling. The air is too thin and he can’t draw a breath. His vision fades out and all he can do is hear, and what he hears are her final words to him…

“…get myself into these situations…go along with it instead of hurting you…I’m sorry…”

His hearing fades out then as well, and all that he can hear is the slow beating of his heart. He feels like he is floating above his bed. His hand falls from his chest to the edge of the bed. His fingers relax and drop the bottle they had been clutching. It falls to the floor and shatters. His heart beats through his entire body.

Thump … thump … … thump … … … thump … … … …

…silence….